I recently asked our three year-old daughter Leyah to complete a simple post breakfast task that she had completed many times before, putting her plate in the sink. On this particular day, Leyah had other ideas. Her response was calm and unapologetic, "no, I'm not gonna do it". I was surprised and frustrated because we were already running late for pre-school. I ran through options in my head, I could threaten a consequence, give a time-out, raise my voice, talk to her about it, engage in a power struggle, or just do it myself. Such a simple issue and yet in that particular instance, I wasn't sure what to do.
Teens, of course, are much more complex and challenging than toddlers. The stakes are higher, our control is limited, and the ultimate power they have can't be denied. And yet, in many cases, their behavior is not unlike a small child saying "no".
Do you ever feel like, with certain issues, the harder you try to get your teen to do something, the more they push back? You've tried everything under the sun to get them to do what you've asked. You've explained, threatened, ignored, reminded, given consequences, yelled, stayed calm and nothing seems to work.
The truth is, it hurts. You don't feel like you're asking too much yet they don't seem to care. It can be really hard not to take it personally. In these cases, our responses vary.
Sometimes we feel slighted and wonder how we could seem so irrelevant to them.
Other times we may feel incompetent and that we've failed as parents. After all, if we had done our jobs well, they wouldn't act so irresponsible or entitled.
We may get self-righteous and find ourselves blaming and judging our kids harshly.
At this stage it's easy to experience a sense of desperation and helplessness. We're losing our kid. They've stopped talking to us and continue to make poor choices. We entertain terrifying images of a future of unemployment, helplessness and an adult that has been swallowed up by the world they are unprepared for.
The strong reaction we have to our teen's oppositional behavior makes perfect sense. After all, there's no one we're more invested in than our own children. The desire to see them develop into happy and healthy adults is at the core of our being. Too often, many of our well meaning attempts at change end up falling flat and sometimes even exacerbate the problems we're trying to help.
Getting your teen to do what you want isn't always straight forward or easy, but it can be done. We hope that the seven tips we've provided below will help you break through that stuckness you feel around your teen and get to a place that you can both feel good about.
1. Identify clearly what it is you want. Prioritize. Let go of the small stuff. If you're regularly getting on your teen about all the different things they're not doing, there's a good chance they're going to throw up their hands and think, "why bother?".
2. Is it will or skill? Are they capable and able to do what you're asking? Or are they falling short because they lack the skills and ability? If they have the ability and still aren't complying, it's important to figure out what's getting in they way and utilize appropriate consequences and rewards. If they don't have the skills needed then the focus should be on helping them get the skills they need.
3. Don't take it personal. When we take things personally we get defensive and reactive, making them much less likely to comply. In many cases challenging your authority directly is just what they need to do on the path to figuring out how to be their own person. Remember, they're hardest on you because they feel the safest with you.
4. Catch them doing well. Help build their confidence by finding specific examples of when they have done what you're asking. This will help remind them that they can in fact do what you're requesting. If you notice them making effort in the right direction, no matter how small, let them know.
5. Own your emotions and reactions. Take responsibility for your own feelings and don't assign consequences or expectations when you're angry and reactive. If and when this does happen, go back to your teen and apologize and take responsibility for your part while continuing to hold them accountable for theirs. Find useful ways to manage your anxiety and stress.
6. Shift from "me" to "we". Forget about "picking your battles". The notion of a battle involves a winner and a loser. This doesn't work with teens. The reality of family life is that you sink or swim together. Instead, use language such as "we need to figure this out" or "how are we going to fix this?" or "This really sucks, we're both miserable right now".
7. Have realistic expectations. Having expectations that challenge without overwhelming is essential but not always easy or obvious. Be thoughtful about what you're requesting. Evidence of progress may be subtle and small at times. As with any process of change there will be back sliding on occasion, so be patient and no matter what, don't give up on your teen.
We've found these tips to be very helpful to us in parenting both our toddler and sixteen year-old. Try to remind yourself (and your teen) that your strong reactions to their negative behavior comes from a place of deep care and valid fears. Admit that you don't always know what to do, but you're not going to give up on them and you're going to work through it together.
I ended up leaving Leyah's plate on the table and told her that after school she would need to put it away before we could play a game together. Fortunately, it worked. As soon as she got home, she put her plate away and was immediately rewarded with a game of Snack Attack with her dad.
Yshai Boussi is a family therapist based in Portland, OR. He is in private practice with his wife, Mariah,where they specialize in providing family therapy to children, teens and adults. For questions or comments, you can email Yshai at: yshai.pdxfamily@gmail.com or you can visit his practice website at http://www.portlandfamilycounseling.com/
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